Could it have been different? Really? Could it? I imagine myself living another life completely. Not going to university, living by my wits, being in a band, following my dreams and the dreams of others as we skate through the clichés of modern rock and roll. Would it have been so bad.
I didn’t make my decisions, but I’m always glad to have made them. I know things that I couldn’t have learned any other way and not for anything would I lose these thoughts and feelings. It is a lack of understanding that would say otherwise. But counter-factual history is so tempting . . . I wish I could meet with some of my alternate reality mes. The ones that didn’t read Proust in bed, the ones that tried at school, the ones that played in a band longer, the ones that never designed a website, the ones that went fishing every weekend . . . none of these propositions sounds particularly appealing, but it is something to think about them.
Of course, you can be whoever you want to be now. You can espy patterns in your life that can lead to amazing realities. Or you can, like I do now, not think about them at all. Just live. Exist. There is something in being mindful, not thinking about the future, just focusing all of your resources on the task at hand. I am sure that being mindful is the reason that I am so energetic at the moment. Anxiety and worry, really drain people. Wow, imagine if it is true! I will have cracked the secret to being energetic all the time, wouldn’t that be something else!
I watched Soylent Green this evening, a not especially bleak dystopian vision of an overpopulated society that has polluted all its resources starring Charlton Heston. I like Heston, he’s such an oaf in the film, so vulgar and postmodern. It’s just a shame that they didn’t really evoke the misery of living in New York when it has a population of 40 million. I did like the ’scoops’ — riot vans that literally scoop up protesters — but the rest was fairly tame.
I’m not quite sure what the purpose or aim of my current ‘research project’ is, but it will no doubt become clear at one point. I can only hope that it isn’t just preparation for the bleak future ahead.
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